It's just me

1:09 AM


Sitting here letting the words flow through and waiting for something miraculous to take place. Hoping that I would finally have a sense of revelation to everything that has happened. To tell you the absolute truth. There's just me and only me. Nothing mind blowing. Me.

I'm coming to a point in my life where priorities are tackling me down to the ground, and I, letting it, consume the entirety. When I was asked "If you were to choose, knowing the secret's of the universe or knowing yourself, which one would you rather have complete grasp of?", the complete know-it-all in me screamed out the answers to the universe, but I've always admitted to myself that I wouldn't want to know the real me, because I was too scared to be disappointed that this is all that I have turned out to be, and feared that I couldn't take it. Never mind meeting other peoples expectations of me. I was too frightened of my own shadow.

I never thought that I would be under the influence of the monsters that I have inadvertently created. It's not that I did not reach the expectations I had for myself, but more of, I created a void for something that does not exist. Our longing for filling an emptiness where there is none. When our souls are cut open, we would only see a reflection of ourselves. It's insane what our mind does. We are born curious to the point where things that are left to be simple we over complicate.

I wonder, to those who are sure of themselves, do they too get lost in their world of certainty, or have they lived in a horse-race too long that they've completely forgotten everything else. Is that the goal? To consume yourself in something that you end up forgetting everything else? What does it mean to be free when happiness comes with a price. Of what you ask? Depends on what you see as your goal is. Whether you tell yourself that these so called sacrifices are what makes everything worth it. What bothers me is the idea of whether you've exerted your blood, sweat and tears on whatever it is you are trying to reach, you shouldn't wait, expect. Enlighten me on how this irony of a belief can keep one sane. 

For myself, well, what I have understood so far is I want to create something worth while, maybe something that would answer all those questions that couldn't be answered. Maybe that's the closest thing to I have to a dream, and it might as well stay a dream. 

All we can do is inhale everything with no hesitation and just live. Counter intuitive with what I have stated, I know, but I guess that just how life plays out. No one lives in true certainty and no will.  

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