Maybe it is because I do know that I've been too much of a perfectionist that I always end up giving up before even reaching the resolution. Life has been pretty dull these past few weeks. I've tried and tried to put myself together, and I've been going deeper and deeper into this hole of uncertainty. Though I've promised my self, that I wouldn't be doing entries that concerned very emotional and personal things that I go through, because in the future when I do look back at these, I want to see that life wasn't full of heartache and sorrow, because it isn't. It's just that I feel that, the rare times that I do get to write here, I want it to be valuable.
I've built this new version of me the past year. Trying to build up self confidence and let go of my inhibitions, since then I've gotten to experience more things that I've only thought about doing. I guess I've gotten to a point of hopefully not decline, but things have become stagnant. I feel that everyone else is progressing, and no matter how hard I try to convince myself that everyone has their own phases of self discovery and progression. I just feel so left under the dust, but I guess that's where the rule of detachment comes into play, because everything feels more shallow than it should be, because I'm not entirely living with everyone so close. It is so bittersweet that the right amount of distance can feel good and bad at the same time.
Then the question of being too safe comes into play. I feel obligations has been taking a ride on me. More and more life has become too much of a need. A need for more of me. The thing is, I can't even figure myself out, then I suddenly have these obligations for people. I feel so torn confused, and just tired. I don't feel passion, drive, and motivation for anything at the moment. I am too tired. It's hard to care for someone else if you yourself are still trying to put yourself together. I can't be anyone's answer because I don't even know mine, and because of obligations, you don't know what to do. It's like you just want to scream to the world "I have problems too you know". What adds to more heartache is how insensitive people can become. Though I don't want anyone to be riding me up on my feelings or anything of the sort, but at least a little bit of sensitivity. When what once used to be a sanctuary became a prison. What used to be a getaway became a requirement.
I need to reevaluate everything, because I am tired. Yes I am tired.