I was an anal, self-absorbed, pretentious teenager

I’ve been blurting out my thoughts into the cyberspace since 2008. Looking back, I actually made a Xanga account back in 2006, because my classmate Camille, in 3rd grade, told me to try it out, though the idea of “blogging” was quite foreign and I never really posted anything. It was the same time I got my very first e-mail account. I remember asking my dad for one, and he used the same handle on the account that was labeled on my account on our family computer. The time of Neopets, Coke Studios, habbohotel followed then after.

What fascinated me about blogging was the ability to share your experiences to the world. It was fair game for everyone. One of the best parts of having a blog for a time is looking back and seeing how much you’ve grown as a person. Since my blog was heavily based on events, experiences and opinions, I can pretty much say that I’ve change a lot. Sadly my current blog only dates up to 2010, because I decided to delete my first blog which I regretted. From then on, I decided to keep everything, no matter how embarrassing my posts are. I placed majority of them on private.

Even my blog was struggling with an identity crisis. Reading back, several of my posts seemed like it was written by an anal, self-absorbed, pretentious teenager with too much time on her hands. My priorities were all over the place, but I guess that goes to show how much I’ve improved as a person. I can laugh at it now, all my problems before were so silly, maybe because of the multiple shifts in my life. The people I’ve dealt with, struggles I went through, books I’ve read, terrifying experiences I pushed through, it all had an effect on what I am now.

It saddens me that there are people I’ve ended up having to leave behind. I’ve never particularly kept friendships intact, but I’ll always have the same amount of respect for them. Some people still live in the past and there not much you can do about that except hope for the best for them, and nobody can hold that against you. Personal growth is part of surviving.

My final take on self-growth is acknowledge your struggles and insecurities and use them as a tool to learn from. Push your limits, you might end up doing what you thought was impossible. 

Blind Dating isn't the way to live by

I feel as if I've scattered myself a bit too thin in the creativity department. At first having a jab at every single category had it's initial appeal, but as you go through the whole rhythm of it, you start to notice that you are beginning to lose grasp of what it is that you intend to have at the end of it all. 

Now, it's already been proven by many studies that multitasking is not a feat that one should be celebrating, in contrary, it should be frowned upon. For those who pride themselves of the numerous skills they've accumulated, let me have something for you to bounce off of. Have you, in any aspect bettered yourself in any of the things that  you've "tried to learn", since the initial encounter of this skill and have continued to do so.  If yes then I applaud you, and I wish I had known to do so sooner, for the rest, let me share some insight from a recent epiphany. 

There was a saying that stuck to me all throughout my 24 years of existence. It's that saying "you don't want to grow old doing something that you don't love". This statement had me in some sort of panic in terms of what it is I should be doing that i'll be "loving for the rest of my life". This, in turn, had me trying out a variety of  workshops, skills, tutorials and the like. Testing out what it is that I should be pursuing in terms of lifelong hobbies. (profitable hobbies: I might expound on this some other time)

Thinking back, I feel as if I was thrown into those blind dates where you meet a series of people and talk to them for a minute or so, and by the end of the event you are to choose which person you'd like to see a second time. Granted, I've never actually participated in one, too much interactions with a group of strangers, in a constrained "time's up" setting, would have me imploding from too much anxiety. Nevertheless it felt as if life was a bit of a "do or die" setting. Needless to say, having to question things for their longevity, ruins the idea of doing, and is also very exhausting. Now that I think of it, the idea of "I don't want to waste time" is actually a result of living under that belief of the absolute NEED of doing what you love. Always trying to go in a fast pace selecting what is worth investing time in.

(I am in no means credible in terms of lecturing someone of what they should and shouldn't do, so take the things I say with a grain of salt.)

Giving things a chance:
One at a time. Sit back and ask yourself, have you given all the things you've tried a fair shot? or did you give up half way because of the inability to see the potential in yourself because you are dabbing on to many things.


I read something recently which talks about how there is a bigger underlying reason for procrastination, which was a semi-wake up call - semi because before I actually start doing the two papers I have to write, here I am writing a blog entry. Basically the article said how there are three possible issues whether it be ADHD, depression, or simply the fear of knowing that you're not good enough, by which you rely on reasoning yourself out by not being able to produce something worth something, because you "procrastinated. It actually becomes self destructive, and we become our own reason for our failure, which is a sad though, so I guess we should stop being scared is all, and just do. I want to expound more on this, but I need to get a move on with my papers and plates. Goodbye for now stranger.

Point of view

Hello stranger. So it's early morning rants again with dear ol' me. It's only the second week since classes started, sans the week where classes were suspended of course, and basically I'm already drowning in deadlines, though more so because I placed myself in a position of anxiety and stress. I really want to do my utmost in the last few semesters I have in this university, but hey being prepared actually has it's perks.

As the week is ending I've have come to some certain realizations in regards to productivity. First and foremost, stop complaining and just do. I mean majority of the people who end up procrastinating, which I admittedly am, tend to put off things stating that they were overwhelmed or it was too difficult. What I mean is, you're going to do it either way, might as well get it out of the way, but more often than not, the process of actually doing things spans in much longer compared to last minute do's, and sometimes we need to trick ourselves in order not to get bored with being productive, which would be scattering each task into chunks by which you get to do a little at a time, with the same amount of time constraint. 

So far this has worked for me because my self assessed ADD is actually one of the worst. I'm so drained and am actually dying to go home because of the workload surrounding all over my apartment, but so far I'm surviving, though I'm currently sick due to the fact of my lack of sleep for the past days.

In terms of productivity, I ended up doing a Vray render practice of one of the book-stands at my university's library out of sheer boredom and a change of perspective from doing hospital design research and AutoCAD. Architecture is life. I got the measurements from an exercise I did for my Specification Writing class. Don't worry I don't just go around randomly measuring random items, though I have this tiny measuring tape keychain ha! 

So now I shall go back to doing my other requirements, though I'm hoping for it to rain like crazy so that classes would be suspended because I'm dying to go home. Alright I bid thee farewell.

The Prideful

Same time
When lonesomeness decided to consume everything
Along with that cheerful disposition 
Letting it permeate throughout the tunnels of my consciousness

Like a knight in battle I waved the white flag
Took off the steel enveloping my fragile soul
Surrendered my being to the rightful

I was a chess piece 
Used to protect the honored 
I moved as expected for who it was fighting this war
Drained to the very last until I could no longer do

Injured watching from the sidelines as it finally surfaced
What it was you were truly fighting for